Archive: November 9, 2010
In what seems like a very short week the air has become bitter cold, the trees have begun to mimic the look of winter, and I found myself driving down I-40 on multiple days wondering when I would be able to afford getting motor fixed on my heater so that I could use the defrost on the window and on my freezing little fingers. Only last week I was able to wake up in the morning and open the door of my apartment so that Daisy could run out into the back yard and come and go as she pleased. I can tell that she’s annoyed with the change in weather and the change of ritual as she has to stay indoors most of the morning and ask me for bathroom breaks. Daisy is also sad because she misses Whitney. I can tell by how much attention she requires right now.
But with the quick succession of the fall season into winter some big changes at work and some shocking news in my community have arrived. As far as work is considered they were the kinds of changes that made me very excited for the business itself and for my friends, some of whom have gotten new jobs and new positions.
I am not at liberty to divulge any of the details about my community but it was the kind of news that uproots one’s understanding of a sense of their own life. My own life. It uprooted my understanding and I am left with some new knowledge and some information that’s been building up for a couple of weeks. Like this:
I began to re-awaken to the fact that I am a leader last week. Actually, it’s something that I’ve denied and denied and denied about myself for years. The reason being that I love following other people’s leadership more than anything else. I really do and I’ve always known that about myself. I found myself multiple times doing those dumb team building games when I was in high school and though I knew I was a leader and though I knew I had a very strong personality I was always so relieved to give that role of solving a puzzle to someone else and take the head roll of following. Third or second in command has always been a very comfortable place for me. Or not in command at all 🙂 But non-the-less I accepted it last week. I am a leader.
The next issue for me is that it’s time for me to really come into my own again. I spent so much time trying to process the big changes of moving to Nashville and the unlearning of my own life when I lost my father that it was like I went from being a mature adult to reverting to being like a child. I know that it’s time for all this to change in me. It’s time for me to be who I am again. Without apologies and without fear and hopefully as little distraction as possible and so I will be pursuing some new leadership opportunities and beginning the process of re-rooting myself.
There is more. There is SO MUCH MORE. But I need to have clearer vision of what’s happening before I make any crazy proclamations of anything. I want to know it all now but it’s not all here. So for now I will just keep going with what I know. Tours to book, keep recording, get ready… because soon… EVERYTHING will change.
I was expectant two entries ago. But this is a whole other level of expectancy.
This is the place where we hold on for dear life. How this will unfold is not understood but the unfolding is coming and I am watching with one eye and preparing with the other.
kat